controversialthought

As I write this, I have no doubt in my mind, that
the majority of parents out there do not
intentionally teach their children to lie.

Notice I said “intentionally”; most parents are
interested in raising a child that will interact with
the rest of the world in a productive way.

As it turns out, knowing how to tell “white lies”
convincingly may make a significant
contribution to your child’s ability to succeed in
many areas.

Researchers at Texas A&M University found
that we demonstrate our knowledge of the
unspoken rules of society by the way we
respond to certain situations.

Where did we learn these rules? More
importantly, what are the rules?

Let’s say you were hoping for a G.I. Joe one
Christmas as a child, and after opening all of
your presents but one, at your grand parent’s
house, your heart raced with excitement; this
“had” to be the long awaited G.I. Joe action
figure!

Wrong; you open the last box, only to discover
what your grandmother had deemed as “a
lovely sweater.”

I’m willing to bet that if you were old enough to
want a G.I. Joe, you had long ago learned the
all important rule about lying: Even if you don’t
like something, “act” like you do. Were told, “It’s
not polite to say you don’t like something, or
that you don’t want it.”

This is what Texas A&M researchers call
“socially appropriate expressive behavior.”

Fact is, researchers discovered that being able
to express this “socially appropriate expressive
behavior” during certain situations (like when
we get gifts we don’t like) relies heavily on our
skill of telling lies.

Children ages 3-5 were rated on observed
reactions like smiling, disappointment,
happiness, and anger, after they received a gift
that was on their “least favorite” list.

So that these behaviors could then be
connected to the societal rules about polite
behavior, the children were then given simple,
but rather odd tasks to perform.

One such task was drawing a line at an
extremely slow speed.

These tests were used to determine the child’s
ability to overcome their desire to do something
the “normal” way, and to fit their behaviors to
the needs of the researchers.

We learn this skill during childhood; it’s a skill
that has immeasurable impact on our success
later in life.

After they had compiled the results of the
research, the findings validated much of what
the researchers already suspected.

The children who scored the highest on being
able to carry out the tasks requiring effortful
control, (like drawing lines extremely slow) also
scored the highest on showing “positive”
behaviors after receiving undesirable gifts.

Looking at it the other direction, the children
who were able to display near identical
behaviors to a gift they wanted and a gift they
disliked, also demonstrated the ability to comply
with the regulations of the performance tests.

While I don’t get really excited about raising a
child who will, as an adult, be programmed to
comply with regulations, (not all regulations are
worthy of follow through) I also realize the
importance of this skill in many of the tasks my
daughter will be required to do.

Just know this; being a “good” parent requires
that you are a hypocrite of sorts.

Yes, you will tell your children to “never lie.”
And, you will also tell them to smile and say
thank you for gifts they’d rather throw away.

When dealing with your child, remember this:
Everyone has a “good” reason for the lie they
tell.

As adults, we justify the perpetual annual lie of
“Santa Claus” and the like, by saying, “well, it’s
a tradition.”

When after finding out all those years of the
stories about the fat man in the red suit coming
down the chimney, was nothing more than a
cultural holiday lie, don’t be too surprised to
find that your teenager feels the lie they tell,
that enables them to spend two more hours
with their boyfriend or girlfriend on a Saturday
night is also warranted.

The bottom line then, as I see it, is having our
children lie to us doesn’t make them “bad kids”,
and shouldn’t make us worry that they’re
“going off the rails.” After all, where’d they
initially learn this valuable skill? 

© Copyright 2007, Vincent Harris-All Rights
Reserved.